Sacred Cods and Holy Mackerals

The Big Red Machine
December 28, 2008, 12:12 pm
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“Put the skillet away, dear,  and get the kids, we’re going Outback tonight!” I told my wife upon returning home recently.
“But why? You know that we’re trying to save money. And it’s healthier to cook in,” she responded.
“This is all true,” I said, easing the cast-iron Faberware skillet from her disappointed hand.  “But we have to celebrate. The MBTA actually had a good idea!”
“Did they finally listen to your idea about powering trains using magnets and not electricity?”
“No,” I responded, unable to hide my disappointment. ” But I did get to ride in their new Big Red train today. And it was great!”
“The Big Red train? Isn’t that where the MBTA sadistically tries to stuff as many people as they can into a single car regardless of the riders’ health and well-being?” she said. And then she suddenly became very worried. “Oh no, are you OK, sweetie? You’re not hurt are you? Oh God, I should have known that’s why you want to go out tonight. You’re now afraid of small confined places like our kitchen!”
“No, I’m fine! In fact I’m better than fine! The ride was great!”
“But the TV news said people should hate it. I mean, how can commuters be expected to stand the whole way? That’s just terrible!”
“Honey, I always stand on the Red Line.” 
“You do?”
“Sure. Maybe once a month I get to sit down.”
“You mean there aren’t any open seats on the Red Line during the rush hour commute?”
“As strange as it may sound, no. And even if there is, I usually don’t sit, unless I want dirty looks from the other riders. The fact is that men end up standing on the Red Line about 95% of the time.”
“Oh, you poor thing!” 
“It’s not that bad. Except when you’re standing in the aisle, you’re usually asscheek-to-asscheek with some Dude behind you. Or you have to put up with some clueless jackass smashing you as he turns with his 45-pound backpack.”
“Oh yea. Plus you have to feel bad for all the women who sit there with some stranger’s crotch right in their grill. That can’t be pleasant.’
My wife wrinkled her nose. “I wouldn’t think so.”
“So that’s why I think the Big Red trains are great. Particularly if you’re a guy. You never get to sit anyway, so by removing the seats it just creates a whole bunch of elbow room. You can now fit five across no problem. You can lean up against the side of the train. It was great!”
“But weren’t the trains more packed then usual?”
“Heck no. It’s not like the MBTA was turning away people from stuffing themselves into cars in the first place.”
“So it was a good experience?”
“I thought so. The only people who are probably going to complain are the ones who always get seats and may now have to stand. But for the majority of people I think it’s going to be a good thing.”
“Well since you’re in such a good mood, can we get a Bloomin’ Onion tonight?”

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